What Happened To Me

This story happened to me in Massachusetts in the year 2000. I’d been practicing architecture for almost 30 years, always hoping for clients who wanted highly energy-efficient, solar powered buildings. Only a handful came to me over the years. In 2000 I made the decision to refuse projects that would cause an increase in carbon emissions, adding to global climate disruption and contributing to the death of the biosphere.

Suddenly I had a lot of time on my hands! I began reading books on deep ecology, ecopsychology, and some fun, sustainable-vision novels including Ernest Callenbach’s "Ecotopia" and Starhawk’s "The Fifth Sacred Thing". Then I read Joanna Macy’s "World As Lover, World As Self". I felt something move in my core being. Immediately thereafter, I 'just happened' to run across a notice that Joanna was offering a 5-day workshop at the Barre Center for Buddhist Studies in Barre, MA. I registered that day.

Joanna calls her workshops ‘The Work That Reconnects’. Here’s how she describes it on her website (joannamacy.net):

“The Work That Reconnects is a pioneering form of group work that began in the 1970s. It demonstrates our interconnectedness in the web of life and our authority to take action on its behalf. It has helped many thousands around the globe find insight, solidarity, and courage to act, despite rapidly worsening conditions. Based on systems theory, spiritual teachings, and deep ecology, its methods are described in Coming Back to Life, the book I wrote with Molly Young Brown.”


Before long I found myself in a beautiful dharma hall with about 25 others. Maybe it was the second day of the workshop, I’m not sure. What I do recall vividly is Joanna had divided us up into pairs. We sat yoga-style on the floor, facing our partner, knees almost touching. Joanna said, “Tap your partner’s knee. Whoever taps first is partner A, the other B. The exercise is called ‘Open Sentences’. The facilitator speaks the first part of a sentence, and A completes the sentence, speaking to B, making eye contact. A then continues to expand upon the thought for about two minutes, speaking extemporaneously. This continues for three more sentences, and then it’s B’s turn to complete the same four sentences.


I was sitting with a man named Ray. I was A. I had completed the first open sentence, speaking from my intellect, altho I didn’t realize I was doing that. The hall was relatively quiet, with a low murmur of voices all around me. I think the second sentence was: “The way I feel when I imagine what the world will be like for my grandchildren is . . . . . .”


I found myself unable to speak, choked up. I felt tears welling up in my eyes. Suddenly I began sobbing very loudly, over and over, uncontrollably, weeping profusely. I couldn’t stop. I think I scared Ray with my outburst. Then someone else in the room, in the midst of completing that sentence, hearing me, began sobbing along with me! Then another. The memory of what I felt then remains part of my heart, bringing tears to my eyes as I write this.


What happened to me? Joanna had broken my heart open is what happened. All the feelings I had been blocking for so many years, had been numbing myself to, had been afraid of and unwilling to let myself feel, came tumbling out of wherever they were stuffed and flooded into and through my heart. Later Joanna spoke about letting ourselves feel our grief over what we see happening all around us. She said we cannot numb our feelings selectively. If we numb ourself to grief, then we numb ourselves to joy, to love, to all feelings. She spoke about the many reasons we have for not letting ourselves feel our grief about species extinction, nuclear waste, toxins in our food, water, soil, and air. So much to grieve in our world now! Including suburb an sprawl.


At the end of the week I left the workshop with an open heart, willing to feel my part in destroying the biosphere. Whenever I drive my car, I admit to myself I’m part of the problem. Every time I burn fossil fuel to heat my home, I admit I’m part of the problem. Every time I turn on the lights, I think about carbon emissions and nuclear waste at the power plants. Well, not every time. I still numb out a lot. But I do think we need to let these feelings into our hearts to motivate ourselves to stop being part of the problem. If we’re totally numbed out to the consequences of our seemingly benign daily acts, then we won’t become part of the solution. We’ll go on believing that changing a few light bulbs, buying a Prius, recycling our plastic water bottles is all we need to do.


If only everyone in this country, in the whole world, could do a Joanna workshop! Even though Joanna has trained hundreds of facilitators in this work, it’s not enough. My own experience has been that without Joanna, my teacher, I’d still be numbed out and unwilling to step into sustainable territory. I don’t have any answers to how enough folks can have a deep enough change of heart to reach a tipping point, to stop the destruction of this beautiful blue-green biosphere. But answers are needed. Surbrban sprawl is destroying the biosphere one day at a time, relentlessly.


This is what is happening to me in Massachusetts in the year 2010.